Teacher: If I had nine apples in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Student: Big hands!
Wife: Do you want dinner, dear?
Husband: Sure! What are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Teacher: Thomas, give me a sentence starting with ‘I’.
Thomas: I is…
Teacher: No, Thomas. We say, ‘I am…’
Student: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
Peter: Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat for a lady.
Mum: Well, you did the right thing, dear.
Peter: But Mum, I was sitting on Daddy’s lap!
Teacher: You have ten dollars in your pocket. If you lose four, then what do you have in your pocket?
Student: A hole!
Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?”
Teacher: No, that’s wrong.
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Student: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Student: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
She: So, why do you call me Eve when my real name is Maria?
He: Because you are the first woman I ever had.
She: Well, then I’ll call you Peugeot
He: Why’s that? Because I’m good-looking, economical, small and fast?
She: No, darling. Because you’re number 206!
Wife: Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Husband: Yes, I married the wrong woman!
Q. What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
A. Seeing your mother-in-law driving your new car off the edge of a cliff.
Q. What happens in the African jungle from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. every day, even on Sundays?
A. Two hours.
Student: Nine and ten don’t exist anymore.
Student: Because you said seven ate nine and ten.
Q. What is a child doing on the floor in the supermarket?
A. Searching for low prices.